In The Field Of My Shadow

At times I am barren
Whilst the birds in the field of my shadow preen lush plumage
And the harvest of my soul could be bountiful
Were it light enough to start reaping

At times I am voiceless
As a cacophony of beautiful earth voices sing serenely
Different song concurrently
In a moment I haven't yet stepped into

At times I am visionless
Whilst the wonderment of the planet spreads out of my peripheral
And the sumptuousness of colour could satiate if the senses were looking

The point of no return
Of feeling and knowing is upon me

At times we are all soundless
Whilst the delicacy of music strokes feather like notes around the chest plate
And the ego whispers intimacies from behind the windows of the soul

At times we are hopeless
Whilst dawn always appears bringing a wealth of experiences
And mysteries nourish the spaces between boredom

At times powerless
Whilst choices are endlessly available and at the hands of the individual
And in a moment a lifetime in the field of shadows maybe changed forever

The point of no return
Is of feeling and knowing
And is upon us

10-04-00

Diary Page from 16.09.09

Fat Shoes!!!

As I walked home in the horrid English rain storm yesterday I looked down at my waterlogged shoes and cursed Evans; the larger ladies chain store. They sold me a useless pair of shoes that couldn’t hold the water out and I was skidding all over the place trying to make it home to my kids without breaking my neck.

I stopped in the pouring rain and looked closely at my shoes;…..they were fat. Fat shoes! My shoes were fat!

I stood and cried in the rain.

I’m fat, a single mum, and a full time worker, broke, happy, miserable and celibate.

My new suede, waterlogged fat shoes just about sum me up.

Something’s have got to change!

My life is now ordinary, it hasn’t always been.

A brief history of fat shoes

I was born in Staffordshire daughter to an uneducated English woman and a Nigerian electrical engineer in 1996. I was a beautiful child and a stunning teenager. I had a brother who was just twelve months and 5 days younger than me and shared all my adventures and troubles. We were the only non-white children in our infant and middle schools apart from an Indian girl.

In 1981 we left Staffordshire to go and start a ‘fabulous’ new life in Lagos Nigeria where we were sent to two different schools and each became the only white kids in our grammar schools. My mother returned to the UK six months later and was not heard from until 1987.

Between 1981 and my return to the UK in 1987 I was sexually assaulted by my fathers best friend, raped twice, beaten by my father repeatedly, had a termination at six months, met the greatest love of my life, stole repeatedly and started living independently at 13 (I think they class it as child abandonment here in the UK but lets not split hairs).

After returning my mother realise we were both more educated than she was and not the gorgeous unspoilt kiddies she left and couldn’t cope with the teenagers that returned and turned us out onto the streets.

I had my first daughter in 1989 to a man with whom I haven’t had a conversation with since 1992 who turned out to be peter pan as it’s clear he’s yet to mature.

I had my second child in 2002 with a man who turned out to be the most violent man I’ve ever met. Charming but not averse to knocking one out with a punch.

So here I am with a twenty year old daughter studying at university and a 7 year old.

And why do I want to start blogging?

Because everyone deserves a voice.

I need some practice 'cos if I wrote my add for a dating site it would be..............

Mixed raced, self sufficient. I'm well read & love conversation. Have never cheated & am totally committed when in a serious relationship. Unfortunately seem to have always given more of myself than I have received. No matter, always the optimist & life is for living. As they say ' what does not kill us only makes us stronger’

Single for (ahem!) far too long; now missing cuddles & conversation. Looking for a man of humour & integrity for initial friendship / more. Ending up with lover & friend, who’ll adore my cooking, doesn’t mind ‘spooning’ & loves being loved.

Turn ons:

Honesty, respect for self / others. 

My ideal match is about 6 foot, well read and with a dry sense of humour. Loves cuddling up at night and being the protector during the day. He lives within his means which he strives to improve. Gives as much as he takes. He can argue his point and agree to disagree without belittling another. Family is important to him as is one on one time with his woman (naughty time lol). My ideal match can say sorry and hear sorry because no one is perfect!

Turn offs;

Poor personal hygiene! yish! Never mind the devil; I got stuck in a lift with a dude with bad breath once and am traumatised for life!!

Liars (even if by omission), cheaters, holding grudges, general laziness. Moodiness.

White socks in sandals and chinos!

People who pretend they're something they're not.

Fake American accents and humour that belittles others!

Bad grammar!!!!please when writing, read over before pressing that send button, my eyes can't take much text abuse!

No cheaters need respond, I’ve had my quota. Miss having some one to share laughter, miss dancing the night away & sleeping in late? If you're looking for the woman to come home too, to spoil & be spoilt by or simply a good exchange of views & witty chat; get in touch!

If you’ve had your share of messing about & are ready for the real deal lets chat, a real woman resides here.

Unemployed?.....stop reading now.

Athletic body. Some one who reads and enjoys conversation. Someone who works hard and knows how to relax. Someone who smells good (i have a thing about smell) beautiful brown skin, bright teeth. A sense of humour and adventure. Not afraid to be romantic.

My Positives & Negatives;

I'm a damn fine cook but unfortunately i eat well too and as a result am quite curvey however you'll be glad of that on a cold night!

I do fidelity well but don't handle stupidity with grace.

I'm never boring, intelligent and passionate but I am bloody stubborn!

Wife

I am watching my husband control my life
Silently screaming, fighting a fight

I am watching my husband control my destiny
Silently screaming, fighting a fight

I am at a disadvantage
Stopped short
Confused
Raw

I am watching my culture spurring him on
Feeding him honour, feeding him wrong

I am watching my religion justify him
Admonishing slaps, admonishing sins

I am pacing myself, taking my time
Finding my feet, making up my mind

I am at a crossroad
Stopping short
Anticipating
Freedom

Yam & Chips

I am standing at the bus stop
I want to close my eyes
And have the ocean gently lap me away
To where pea green mists seep through my thoughts
And a washes them in clarity
Flooding me

Ebbing and flowing away from the city
Past the moment, the history
And see myself through a pale blue light in the mirror
Kissing my stomach and embracing my frame
Paying compliments to the ability of my being

Ebbing and flowing away from the village
Past the future, the present
The machinations of construct
And hear an innocent laughter at the dawn of life
Before the awareness crept in and displaced me in my own homes
And feel the harmony of rhythm before the Diaspora

Ebbing and flowing away from the morals
Past the religion, the culture
The systems of tribalism
Pacing by the bus stop
The token pawn for the 9 to 5'ers
And followed lovingly around department stores

Ebbing and flowing through mis-placement
Through fragmentation, the suppositions
Into confusion of identity
Sobbing at the bus stop
Wearing Adidas sneakers and a purple buba
Knowing its chips for tea at mummy's
And yam on Tuesdays at daddy's


19.11.01

Tell me about yourself?

Here’s a little something I’d like to share with you all.

These were my on the spot answers to those dreaded interview questions at the last interview I attended! I wasn’t super prepared and could probably done better, so as soon as I left I wrote down what I said to see how to improve on it later.

• What are your strengths and weaknesses?

I’d say that at times a can be a bit too enthusiastic and spontaneous and try to run before I can walk but I’m aware of this and reign myself in to check briefs/number/programmes before rushing into things.

I’m also known for saying it like it is and sometimes that can be too blunt.

My greatest strengths are in my leadership and organisational skills. I’m good at getting things done and problem solving.

• Where do you see yourself in 1/5/10 years?

I’m a parent so stability is very important to me, so I envisage staying with my next employer for at least 4-5 years and if there is room for advancement perhaps a little longer.

Ultimately I’d like to run my own charity that would focus on providing health care and healthy eating in Africa.

• What is your leadership style? Please give an example of a real situation.

I participated in a management programme within XXXXX Pharmaceuticals and during this we did the disc profile. As a result I’m self aware and understand that team members need to be treated as individuals. I’d say that my leadership style is adaptable because how you lead can depend on who is to follow. I know that I’m a strong leader and able to motivate a team.

During my time as a customer services manager I had a very varied team. I established that one team member was not comfortable making decisions but was exceptionally good at analytical work so I gave him ownership of that area and slowly helped increase his decision making skills by giving him a sense of empowerment.

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Any and all suggestions as to how to improve my answers would be greatly appreciated!!!

Smoker? Me? I don’t think so!

( As written for works news letter published March 2010)

On the Tuesday 17^th of February 2009 I made my way over to the school of nursing in secret. Only my line Manager knew that I was heading that way once a week for the next six weeks.

I walked into the very first smoking cessation group pretty sure that I was not ready to give up smoking. I went through the motions of having my carbon monoxide levels monitored and (embarrassingly) read out to the other 11 members of the group.  We spoke about why and when we smoked. Surprisingly the group leader informed us that we wouldn’t be giving up smoking that day. I have to say I was quite relieved.

It turned out that our actual quit day was on the third meeting; we had three more weeks to get our heads round the idea.

The second session was quite frankly disgusting. We were shown a video of what long term smoking does to the lungs, skin, eyes, mouth and teeth. We had a long and frank discussion about why, when we knew how bad for the health smoking really is, did we continue to do it.

The third week was quit week. We were paired up as smoking buddies and asked to put as large a sum of money into an envelope. My buddy and I put £30 each in and if either of us smoked in the week we would lose all the money to the group. Some of us were prescribed 4 weeks worth of Champix, a drug to help dampen the nicotine cravings while others preferred nicotine patches or gum. We took turns in standing and pledging to the group that we would not smoke for the next seven days.

I committed myself to putting my cigarette money in a shoe box under my bed each day.

That first week was so difficult! Every where I turned people were smoking. I missed my first cigarette when walking to the bus stop in the morning so much! Oh and the walks from 

xxx Street

to 

xxx Street

were excruciating. I just had to keep busy and thinking of my £30 got me through the week.

I used the tactic taught at the meeting;

Delay               When the craving starts put off having a smoke.

Escape             When faced with temptation get away from it.

Avoid             Don’t go to the places when I might be tempted

Distract           Do something when the craving starts. (My house was super clean for the next two months!)

The second week I got my sense of smell back! My taste buds seemed to awaken and everything I ate was new and delicious. But the cravings were horrendous and I got a little snappy.

By the third week my lungs had begun the repair process and for the next three weeks were shedding their tar lining which was pretty gross. I lost concentration and found it hard to focus. I was told that this was normal as my brain had to adjust to working without the nicotine stimulant. Other group members suffered with constipation, some from nightmares or sever mood swings. Everyone had a cough and some people even had the shakes! Until this point none of us had really realised how much effect on the body nicotine really had.

On Tuesday the 31^st of March we had our last support group. It was quite emotional knowing that the six of us who had made it to week 7 were not going to be meeting regularly anymore.

With in the following three months I came across three of the six who completed the course standing outside hospital buildings, come rain or shine, puffing away. Unfortunately my stop smoking buddy was one of those but I understand how very difficult it is to give up the evil weed.

It will be my first year anniversary of the day I stopped smoking on the 3^rd of March. It’s been a long and hard road. I often still crave a smoke and had to control those urges. I remind myself of the £550.00 I saved in a box under my bed in the first 3 ½ months of not smoking and the wonderful holiday my little family enjoyed as a result. I remember the first time I felt the fresh air actually hit my lungs in a noticeable way six weeks after giving up.

I’ll always be an ex-smoker. It’s an addiction like any other and I know that I can’t have just one. I deal with my cravings one at a time and always will but as time passes they become less frequent.

Giving up smoking is not easy but if you’re thinking of giving up, get all the help you can. I’d highly recommend the smoking cessation groups, run either at you local GP’s surgery or over at xxxxx Hospital. Log onto www.smokingfree.nhs.uk or www.quit.org.uk  to find out more about what’s available in your area and details of the helpline.

Finally; if you need some support during the working day……I’m right behind you!

10^th February 2010

Post script; 01.11.10 I have never smoked since!!!