In The Field Of My Shadow

At times I am barren
Whilst the birds in the field of my shadow preen lush plumage
And the harvest of my soul could be bountiful
Were it light enough to start reaping

At times I am voiceless
As a cacophony of beautiful earth voices sing serenely
Different song concurrently
In a moment I haven't yet stepped into

At times I am visionless
Whilst the wonderment of the planet spreads out of my peripheral
And the sumptuousness of colour could satiate if the senses were looking

The point of no return
Of feeling and knowing is upon me

At times we are all soundless
Whilst the delicacy of music strokes feather like notes around the chest plate
And the ego whispers intimacies from behind the windows of the soul

At times we are hopeless
Whilst dawn always appears bringing a wealth of experiences
And mysteries nourish the spaces between boredom

At times powerless
Whilst choices are endlessly available and at the hands of the individual
And in a moment a lifetime in the field of shadows maybe changed forever

The point of no return
Is of feeling and knowing
And is upon us

10-04-00

Diary Page from 16.09.09

Fat Shoes!!!

As I walked home in the horrid English rain storm yesterday I looked down at my waterlogged shoes and cursed Evans; the larger ladies chain store. They sold me a useless pair of shoes that couldn’t hold the water out and I was skidding all over the place trying to make it home to my kids without breaking my neck.

I stopped in the pouring rain and looked closely at my shoes;…..they were fat. Fat shoes! My shoes were fat!

I stood and cried in the rain.

I’m fat, a single mum, and a full time worker, broke, happy, miserable and celibate.

My new suede, waterlogged fat shoes just about sum me up.

Something’s have got to change!

My life is now ordinary, it hasn’t always been.

A brief history of fat shoes

I was born in Staffordshire daughter to an uneducated English woman and a Nigerian electrical engineer in 1996. I was a beautiful child and a stunning teenager. I had a brother who was just twelve months and 5 days younger than me and shared all my adventures and troubles. We were the only non-white children in our infant and middle schools apart from an Indian girl.

In 1981 we left Staffordshire to go and start a ‘fabulous’ new life in Lagos Nigeria where we were sent to two different schools and each became the only white kids in our grammar schools. My mother returned to the UK six months later and was not heard from until 1987.

Between 1981 and my return to the UK in 1987 I was sexually assaulted by my fathers best friend, raped twice, beaten by my father repeatedly, had a termination at six months, met the greatest love of my life, stole repeatedly and started living independently at 13 (I think they class it as child abandonment here in the UK but lets not split hairs).

After returning my mother realise we were both more educated than she was and not the gorgeous unspoilt kiddies she left and couldn’t cope with the teenagers that returned and turned us out onto the streets.

I had my first daughter in 1989 to a man with whom I haven’t had a conversation with since 1992 who turned out to be peter pan as it’s clear he’s yet to mature.

I had my second child in 2002 with a man who turned out to be the most violent man I’ve ever met. Charming but not averse to knocking one out with a punch.

So here I am with a twenty year old daughter studying at university and a 7 year old.

And why do I want to start blogging?

Because everyone deserves a voice.

I need some practice 'cos if I wrote my add for a dating site it would be..............

Mixed raced, self sufficient. I'm well read & love conversation. Have never cheated & am totally committed when in a serious relationship. Unfortunately seem to have always given more of myself than I have received. No matter, always the optimist & life is for living. As they say ' what does not kill us only makes us stronger’

Single for (ahem!) far too long; now missing cuddles & conversation. Looking for a man of humour & integrity for initial friendship / more. Ending up with lover & friend, who’ll adore my cooking, doesn’t mind ‘spooning’ & loves being loved.

Turn ons:

Honesty, respect for self / others. 

My ideal match is about 6 foot, well read and with a dry sense of humour. Loves cuddling up at night and being the protector during the day. He lives within his means which he strives to improve. Gives as much as he takes. He can argue his point and agree to disagree without belittling another. Family is important to him as is one on one time with his woman (naughty time lol). My ideal match can say sorry and hear sorry because no one is perfect!

Turn offs;

Poor personal hygiene! yish! Never mind the devil; I got stuck in a lift with a dude with bad breath once and am traumatised for life!!

Liars (even if by omission), cheaters, holding grudges, general laziness. Moodiness.

White socks in sandals and chinos!

People who pretend they're something they're not.

Fake American accents and humour that belittles others!

Bad grammar!!!!please when writing, read over before pressing that send button, my eyes can't take much text abuse!

No cheaters need respond, I’ve had my quota. Miss having some one to share laughter, miss dancing the night away & sleeping in late? If you're looking for the woman to come home too, to spoil & be spoilt by or simply a good exchange of views & witty chat; get in touch!

If you’ve had your share of messing about & are ready for the real deal lets chat, a real woman resides here.

Unemployed?.....stop reading now.

Athletic body. Some one who reads and enjoys conversation. Someone who works hard and knows how to relax. Someone who smells good (i have a thing about smell) beautiful brown skin, bright teeth. A sense of humour and adventure. Not afraid to be romantic.

My Positives & Negatives;

I'm a damn fine cook but unfortunately i eat well too and as a result am quite curvey however you'll be glad of that on a cold night!

I do fidelity well but don't handle stupidity with grace.

I'm never boring, intelligent and passionate but I am bloody stubborn!

Wife

I am watching my husband control my life
Silently screaming, fighting a fight

I am watching my husband control my destiny
Silently screaming, fighting a fight

I am at a disadvantage
Stopped short
Confused
Raw

I am watching my culture spurring him on
Feeding him honour, feeding him wrong

I am watching my religion justify him
Admonishing slaps, admonishing sins

I am pacing myself, taking my time
Finding my feet, making up my mind

I am at a crossroad
Stopping short
Anticipating
Freedom

Yam & Chips

I am standing at the bus stop
I want to close my eyes
And have the ocean gently lap me away
To where pea green mists seep through my thoughts
And a washes them in clarity
Flooding me

Ebbing and flowing away from the city
Past the moment, the history
And see myself through a pale blue light in the mirror
Kissing my stomach and embracing my frame
Paying compliments to the ability of my being

Ebbing and flowing away from the village
Past the future, the present
The machinations of construct
And hear an innocent laughter at the dawn of life
Before the awareness crept in and displaced me in my own homes
And feel the harmony of rhythm before the Diaspora

Ebbing and flowing away from the morals
Past the religion, the culture
The systems of tribalism
Pacing by the bus stop
The token pawn for the 9 to 5'ers
And followed lovingly around department stores

Ebbing and flowing through mis-placement
Through fragmentation, the suppositions
Into confusion of identity
Sobbing at the bus stop
Wearing Adidas sneakers and a purple buba
Knowing its chips for tea at mummy's
And yam on Tuesdays at daddy's


19.11.01